---

Snip.

Verdensklasse, Jesper

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http://www.youtub...re=related


http://www.youtub...re_related

---

Church Bells
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

---

Nåe ja, det ser jo ikke ud til at denne tråd dør ud foreløbig - så lad os tage en anden slagter historie fra Jens:

Slagter Per boede lidt udenfor København og ham og konen fik en dag besøg af en veninde inde fra den sorte stenbro. Hun var på cykel - og inden hun tog tilbage skulle hun lige - som man gjorde dengang - have et par gaver med i cykelkurven. Konen havde lavet jordbærmarmelade og Per havde lige skudt en hare.

På Valby bakke hopper kæden af og hun vælter - og roder rundt i hare og jordbærmarmelade.

En rapkæftet svajer (cykelbud) udbryder, idet han kører forbi: Det var sgu da godt det blev en abort lille mor - sikke lange ører han har.

Himmelhunden

---

Sneak in late

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late.

One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep.

Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up.

His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

---

En lille fyr sætter sig i baren, da en rocker pludselig slår ham i ansigtet og siger:"Det er kung fu fra japan". Lidt efter slår rockeren ham igen og siger "Det er karate fra korea". Den lille fyr rejser sig op og forlader baren. Lidt efter kommer han tilbage og slå rockeren i gulvet. Han vender sig mod bartenderen og siger "Når den bøsserøv vågner op, så sig til ham, at det var en skovl fra Silvan..!!

---

Den gamle version var bedre og uden reklame
en dansker og en japaner bliver uvenner på et værtshus. Bliver enige om at ordne det uden for. danskeren får en ordentlig en på hovedet.Dahan kommer til sig selv spørger han japaneren hvad der ramte ham. Japaneren svarede karate "noget fra mit hjemland" De gik så ind og drak videre. Blev så uenige igen og måtte så ud igen. Det samme gentog sig. Danskeren fik en på hovedet og spurgte hvad der ramte ham, karate " nogetfra mit hjemland" var svaret. Ind og drikke igen. Blev igen uenige og skulle så ud igen, men så smuttede danskeren lige rundt om hjørnet og da han kom tilbage fik japaneren en ordentlig en så han segnede. Da han så kom til sig selv spurgte han hvad der ramte ham, svarede danskeren ham "noget fra dit hjemland, donkraften fra en Toyota"

---

---

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.

'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and

started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry

my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....

'I would have gotten out today...

---

En ældre Engelsk mand elskede alt som havde med Irland at gøra.....

Whiskyen
barerne
folkemusiken
smilet
maden
kvinderne
livsstilen

så han kørte til Immigration på den Irlandske side og spurgte om han kunne blive Irlænder istedet for Englænder..

Ja det går men der er lidt svært svarede officeren på Immigration.
Hvad mener du spurgte Englænderen som så gerna ville ændre nationalitet..

Du bliver nødt til at operere bort 25% af din hjerna sagde officeren.
Det gør ikke noget , så det gør jeg hurtigst muligt.

Som sagt så gjordt, han kørte till hospitalet og lægerne opererede ham.
Dar han vågnede sagde lægen...Der blev en lille fejl da jeg kom til at operere bort 90% af din hjerna....
Englænderen kiggede spørgende på ham og smilede samtidigt som han sagde :

SAWAT DEE KAP

---

Super Market mistake

This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although
familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

---

Camel time

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.

The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.

One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"

The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down.

"It's about 2:00", he says.

The tourist can't believe what he just saw.

He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story,

"The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!"

One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.

He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done.

He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.

The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air.

Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."

---

En anden kamelhistorie på dansk.

Kamelføreren i et cirkus kan ikke få sin kamel til at sætte sig ned. Til sidst lægger han kamelens genitialer op på en træklods og giver dem en ordentlig slag med en hammer. Kamelen sætter sig.

En tilskuer går ned til kamelføreren og siger at det er dyremishandling - det behøver han slet ikke. Han går hen til kamelen og hvisker noget i dens ene øre. Kamelen sætter sig øjeblikkelig. Hvad sagde du til den spørger kamelføreren nysgerrig. Tilskueren: Skal jeg hente hammeren?

Himmelhunden

---

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
---------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

---------------------------------------------------------

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost
fell to the floor laughing.

A few minutes later she was able to regain
her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what
came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't
happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Things went downhill from there.
Ha en god dag

---

These are actual air traffic control exchanges from various sources:

=========================

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

=========================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

=========================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:

"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

=========================

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

=========================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

=========================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

===========================

German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

==========================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

---

En mand kommer ind på apoteket, og siger til ekspedienten,
at han gerne ville have en pakke kondomer.
Ja, så gerne siger ekspedienten - hvilken størrelse?
Ja, det ved jeg søreme ikke.
Nå, men skidt med det, siger ekspedienten. Ude i baggården
står der et plankeværk mellem to træer, prøv at gå derud,
så finder du den rigtige størrelse.
Manden står i gården og ser på plankeværket ,som har en
masse huller. Han starter fra en ende af med at stikke
fyren derind.
Ovre i nabohaven står en kone og hænger vasketøj op, og
pludselig ser hun den her fyr, der farer ud og ind.
Hun står og bliver noget lystig, så hun går hen og stikker
bagdelen op til plankeværket.
Da der er gået et stykke tid, kommer manden tilbage til
ekspedienten.
Nå, siger hun, fandt du den rigtige størrelse?
Skid hul i størrelsen - hva` ska` du ha` for plankeværket?

´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´

Den nye læge har haft sin første patient alene og overlægen
kommer ind og spørger hvorledes det gik.
Lægen: Joh han havde en forfærdelig hoste.
Overlægen: Såh hvad gjorde du ved det?
Lægen: Jeg gav ham en 3 skefulde amerikansk olie.
Overlægen: Jamen, det hjælper da kun til at lette
afføringen med og ikke mod hoste??
Lægen: Nå det ved jeg nu ikke, prøv at se ham engang, han
står ovre på den anden side af gaden og holder fast i
lygtepælen for ikke, at komme til at hoste.....

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨
Ha en skøn dag..

---

Jamen altså de unger..

Et plejehjem er et sted, hvor man opbevarer gamle mennesker og truer dem til at dele værelse med nogen de ikke kan lide. De får mediciner og frikadeller, og hver lørdag får de formkage med rosiner.
- Lena 5 år


På plejehjemmet sidder tænderne løse. Alle tager tænderne ud om aftenen og lægger dem på plads om morgenen. Og så er der morgenbøn bagefter.
- Camilla 6 år

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Harry havde været i byen og drukket tæt, meget tæt, og da
han vågnede, kunne han hverken kende sengen eller værelset.
Og han kunne slet ikke kende den store, grimme kvinde, som
lå i sengen ved siden af ham og snorkede.
Harry regnede med, at han var hjemme hos en luder, så han
gled stille ud af sengen, samlede sit tøj sammen og lagde
300 kr. på natbordet.
Da Harry gik rundt om sengen, snublede han over en endnu
større og endnu grimmere kvinde, som lå på en madras på
gulvet.
Kvinden åbnede det en øje, smilede til Harry og sagde:
"Er der ikke også en skilling til brudepigen ?"

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http://www.youtub...kJNbKLvEV4
så er det nu også galt

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1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's VERY,VERY important that these four women don't know each other.