QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"?
"Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are"
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realised he was right. The car was nowhere in the parking lot. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice."Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped YOU off!" Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.
The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge ta-tas out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shit first."
Donald Trump steps out of the White House in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.
Well, he's pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and reads the security guys the riot act, while they stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”
Later that evening, the chief security officer approaches Trump and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”
Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”
Trump says “Oh my, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice-president! Damn. ...well, what’s the really bad news?”
The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”
