A daughter asked her dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a service that his motor will cease and his exhaust will fall off."
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." Said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did.."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"
One rainy spring night in Dublin, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Vale Road," answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what are you looking at ?"
"Well lady," replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?
This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.
He said: "Up until last week, I still had it all! I had a roof over my head, a cook, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, school if I wanted ..."
I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that" he said. "No, no ... I got out of prison."
An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."
A man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously every morning, and lived to be 93.
When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Mrs. McAllister had a pet DUCK, Henry, that she was very very fond of. One morning when she went to take Henry his breakfast she found him laying in his pen not moving. In a near panic she carried him to her car then rushed to the local veterinary hospital. She carefully carried Henry inside and although his regular Dr. was on vacation she insisted on seeing someone immediately and was shown into an exam room. In a very few moments a young, apparently fresh from college vet came in, took a brief look at Henry and turning to Mrs. McAllister said, Im very sorry Maam but your duck is dead.
Mrs. McAllister had a fit, asking this young whippersnapper how he could possibly say Henry was dead when he had done virtually nothing as an exam, not even checking for a heartbeat or taking his temperature. When the Dr. tried to explain she just got more hysterical so finally he gave in and said he would do something.
Stepping out of the room briefly he returned with a Cat and set it down on the exam table next to Henry. The cat sniffed at Henry, sat down and looking at the Dr. meowed mournfully. Taking the Cat out of the room the Dr. returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Lab stood up on the edge of the table, sniffing carefully at Henry. After a few moments he sat down and looking at the Dr. whined quietly while shaking his head. The Dr. led the dog out of the room and returned. Again he very quietly and with a sympathetic tone told Mrs. McAllister that Henry was dead, there was nothing more he could do. Having had a few moments to calm down she said thank you and asked what her bill was.
The Dr. said $150.00. This sent Mrs. McAllister into another fit, how could it be $150.00, you did virtually nothing,,,, When she finally paused in her tirade to take a breath the Dr. took the opportunity to reply
Mrs. McAllister, I am very sorry about Henry and if you had accepted my initial diagnosis your bill would have been $25.00. But you insisted I do more so with the Cat Scan and Lab tests it is $150.00
A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter’s report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red ‘A’ under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
“Was it the nuns that did it?” the father asked. The boy shook his head and said “No.”
“Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?” “No.”
“The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?”
“No”, said the son. “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the ‘plus sign’, I KNEW they meant business!”
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Det er med glæde, jeg kan oplyse at virksomhedens årlige julefest fejres på Steakhouse Argentina den 20. december. Der vil være julepyntet og et lille orkester kommer og spiller hyggelige julesange.
Den viceadministrerende direktør kommer udklædt som julenisse og tænder juletræet.
Der må gerne købes julegaver, men de må ikke koste mere end 200 kroner.
Jeg ønsker jer og jeres familier en fredfuld advent.
Tina Johansen
Personaleansvarlig
2. december:
TIL ALLE ANSATTE
Det var ikke meningen at gårsdagens melding skulle udelukke vore tyrkiske kolleger. Vi ved, at deres helligdage ikke fuldstændig svarer til vores. Derfor vil vi fremover kalde julefesten for årsafslutningsfest.
Der bliver desuden hverken juletræ eller julesange.
Jeg ønsker jer og jeres familier en hyggelig stund fremover.
Tina Johansen
Personaleansvarlig
3. december:
TIL ALLE ANSATTE
Efter et diskret tip fra et medlem i Anonyme Alkoholikere, der kræver et "tørt" bord, er jeg glad for at kunne opfylde deres ønske, men vil samtidig påpege, at anonymiteten bagefter ikke kan garanteres.
Desuden vil der ikke blive anledning til at give julegaver, da fagforeningen har protesteret og anført at 200 kroner er for mange penge at bruge på dette.
Tina Johansen
Ansvarlig for personaleforskning
7. december:
TIL ALLE ANSATTE
Det er lykkedes mig at få reserveret et bord langt borte fra buffeen for vores medlemmer af Vægtvogterne. Et bord nær toiletterne for alle gravide.
Homofile skal sidde ved siden af hinanden. Lesbiske behøver ikke sidde sammen med de homofile mænd, men får et bord for sig selv. De homofile skal selvsagt nok få en blomsterdekoration på deres bord. Er I tilfredse nu.....
Tina Johansen
Galehusansvarlig
9. december:
TIL ALLE ANSATTE
Naturligvis kommer vi til at tage hensyn til ikke-rygere og forsøger at bruge et tungt gardin som kan adskille festsalen. Alternativt vil vi placere rygerne i et telt udenfor restauranten.
Tina Johansen
Ansvarlig for personaleundertrykkelse
10. december:
TIL ALLE ANSATTE
Vegetarianere! Jeg har bare ventet på at høre fra jer!
Jeg er skide ligeglad om det passer jer eller ikke, vi går på Steakhouse!!!!
I må for min skyld rejse til månen den 20. december for at sidde så langt borte fra "dødsgrillen" som muligt. Nyd salatbaren og spis rå tomater!! For resten har tomater også følelser! De skriger når man skærer i dem, jeg har selv hørt det!!
Der fik jeg jer!!!
Jeg ønsker alle en fandens jul, drik jer dødfulde og gå i koma!!
Hilsen "bitchen" fra 3. sal!!
14. december:
TIL ALLE ANSATTE
Jeg er sikker på, at jeg taler på vegne af os alle, når jeg håber, at Tina Johansen snart er i god bedring. Der vil blive sat pris på, om I hjælper til og sender mange "God bedring"-kort til psykiatrisk afdeling. Ledelsen har for øvrigt bestemt, at der ikke bliver nogen fest den 20. december. I kan i stedet holde fri den 20. december på virksomhedens regning.
