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 Dagens joke
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 14/12-2016 04:17
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 Ekspert medlem  Antal indlæg: 2688 |
About a week ago I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (as I often do) and I noticed a person who was wearing a mask with a knife in hand, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden. Suddenly my neighbor came from behind and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. There was blood everywhere. To my astonishment he then set to digging a grave and put the body in it and covered it. Then calmly walked back to his shed. Disturbed by what I had just witnessed, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned my wife said, "You're upset, what is it?" You'll never believe what I've just seen, I said. That prick next door still has my shovel. 
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 15/12-2016 01:46
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 Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
Hmm.. I went into a restaurant and sat down. The waiter came over with a spoon in his top pocket and a string down the front of his body like a tie. He lifted the menu with the spoon and handed it to me. I gave him my order, he came back holding the plates and bread with the spoon. I asked him "Why are you lifting everything up with your spoon?" He said "Sir, we are the most hygienic restaurant in the country, we never use our hands at all". I said "Ok but why do you have a string hanging down your chest?" He said "When I go to the bathroom I lift it up with the string to pee so that I don't touch it with my hand". I said "That's amazing, but how do you put it back in" . He replied "I use the spoon |
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| Dalton |
Lagt på d. 15/12-2016 22:15
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 Øvet medlem  Antal indlæg: 326 |
[img]http://heltnormalt.dk/img/truth_facts/2016/12/15.png[/img] is not a valid Image. klik for større billede |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 16/12-2016 09:41
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Girl: Ah, finally. This is the moment! Boy: Will you leave me? Girl: Nah! Boy: Do you love me? Girl: Yes, a lot! Boy: Have you ever cheated on me? Girl: No, why are you asking this? Boy: Will you kiss me? Girl: Every time i get the chance! Boy:Will you ever hit me? Girl: Are you crazy?! Of course not! Boy: Can i trust you? Girl: Yes. Boy: Darling. Now read it all backwards! 
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 17/12-2016 05:46
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet," the circus couple explained. The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter, as long the kid fits in the cannon. 
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Webmaster |
Lagt på d. 17/12-2016 10:55
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 Superadministrator  Antal indlæg: 6782 |
Min telefon ringer: "Hej. Det er Camilla fra Blå Strøm. Er du klar over, at du kan blive fri for de afgifter, der ofte er pålagt din elregning, da du har et CVR nummer?"
Mig: det er ikke så relevant for mig, da jeg er selvforsynende med strøm. Camilla: nå ok - du har måske solceller? Mig: nej - jeg bruger dynamoer.... Camilla: dynamoer????? Mig: ja. Har haft hamster siden jeg var helt lille og tænkte, at det måtte kunne udnyttes til noget, når den bare render rundt i det hjul. Jeg regnede derfor på det og fandt frem til, at jeg med 42 hamstere kunne være selvforsynende. Camilla: ok. Det har jeg godt nok ikke hørt om før. Sviner det ikke meget? Mig: nej der er ikke galt.Jeg har dem i et skur i haven. Der er godt nok nogle, der dør pga. frost, men har sat dem sammen i bure 2 to to med en han og en hun i hver, så de vedligeholder selv bestanden. Camilla: det lyder godt nok smart. Mig: ja - måske du selv skulle overveje den løsning? Camilla: tror det er svært at få plads til i en toværelses lejlighed Mig: nej - du kan bare bruge en rumdeler fra IKEA - der er 16 rum i og det bør være nok til en lille lejlighed. Du sparer en masse penge, for foder til dem er ikke dyrt. Camilla: nej det vil jeg tro. Du sparer jo også afgift til strøm så. Jeg sparer dog selv op til at blive selvstændig, så det her er bare et bi-job Mig: Cool. Skal du avle hamstere? Camilla: nej dog ikke. Mig: vidste du, at når du bliver selvstændig, kan du blive fri for de afgifter, der ofte er pålagt din elregning, da du har et CVR nummer.......? Det havde Camilla dog hørt om og vi ønskede hinanden en god jul og nu vidste hun da, hvor hun kunne ringe hen, hvis hun havde spørgsmål til opdræt af hamstere....... :-D Med venlig hilsen
Webmaster Email: webmaster@dansk-thai.dk Website: www.thailand-portalen.dk Ytringsfrihed er ikke retten til at sige, hvad vi har lyst til, hvornår vi har lyst. Det er retten til at sige, hvad vi har lyst til, dér hvor vi har fået lov til det. |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 18/12-2016 06:09
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A London banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and rips off the car door, zooming off without stopping. More than a little distraught, the banker grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche! My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!' After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.' 'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.' The Londoner looks down in horror. ‘Oh Fuck!' he screams... Where's my Rolex? "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 19/12-2016 04:41
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning... The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a pair of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help," she said. "I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Er --", the man started to say. "No, I insist," she replied. "But --" "I insist," she repeated, and despite his objections, she gently moved his hands to the side and loosened his pants. Then she put her hands inside and began to massage him. After a moment she asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "Well, it feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| hugoboerge |
Lagt på d. 19/12-2016 14:02
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 5534 |
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'. At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 21/12-2016 05:42
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Save $1000 Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The Female Dog!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....." "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 22/12-2016 04:29
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A Policeman on his horse says to a little girl on her bike, "Did Santa get you that?" Yes," she replies. "Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," & fines her £5. The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says, "Nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too?" The Policeman chuckles & replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year, tell Santa the Fuckin dick goes under the Horse, not on top of it".
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| JohnBKK |
Lagt på d. 22/12-2016 19:40
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 Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 4361 |
Åh, det er jul! ............  |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 23/12-2016 05:06
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
En af favoritterne.... A woman was being shown around the local hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ...... Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh well... in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman.. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?" The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, but he’s with BUPA." "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| JohnBKK |
Lagt på d. 23/12-2016 19:01
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 4361 |
Aaahhh, Belly Estate Fruitwine!  |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 25/12-2016 05:36
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Samtidigt nede i 7/11..... https://www.faceb...369495718/ "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 26/12-2016 08:57
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
Please be careful at this time of year, I went out for a few drinks last night got carried away so I left the car at the pub and took a taxi home. Sure enough just down the road the police were pulling over cars and breathalyzing them. They just waved me past being in a taxi which is strange because I've never driven one before or got a clue where I got it from.... 
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 26/12-2016 09:15
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow..?"
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 27/12-2016 13:27
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
90% of women do not like men in pink T-shirts. IRONICALLY, 90% of men in pink T-shirts dont like women 
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 28/12-2016 04:37
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
"And That's When The Fight Started" Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's when the fight started.......... ============================================= After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And that's when the fight started.......... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And that's when the fight started........ "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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| Boes |
Lagt på d. 29/12-2016 07:03
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Ekspert medlem Antal indlæg: 2688 |
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And that's when the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's when the fight started............. ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's when the fight started.............. "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein |
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